These are books I already have that are on my list for 2019.

Top 10 Books Read In 2018

Books To Read In 2019

Keys To Growth

Having a list of books to read is great, but that alone won’t make growth happen. Three simple keys make growth happen. I HIGHLY recommend that everyone take steps each year to grow in all three:

1. Set goals. What areas of your life do you want/need to grow in? Find a book/resource and set a SMART goal  (Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Risky, Time-bound). Be sure to WRITE THEM DOWN.

2. Make a plan. Write out HOW and WHEN you’re going to do it.

3. Prioritize your plan. Don’t just hope it happens, schedule it as a priority. MAKE IT HAPPEN!

Don’t get discouraged and give up WHEN you hit bumps in the road. We all do.

Growth is not so much about avoiding the fall as it is getting up every time we fall down.

Question

What books are you planning to read in 2019? Pick books that hit areas you need to grow in, set a time goal for reading them and times you’re going to read, and then make reading a priority. Readers are leaders!

Karis Leona Choy was born on Thurs June 18th at 10:34pm! She is my fourth child but first daughter. Everything has changed!

Father’s Day

Names Matter

The first human names were significant. Adam means “man” and Eve means “to live” or “have life.” The bible adds that Eve was the “mother of all.”

Throughout the bible the naming of and changing of names was significant. Abram (“exalted father”) changed to Abraham (“father of many”), and Cephas (“rock”) to Peter (“stone”).

Names matter in the Choy house. 12 years ago, before having our first son, we confirmed the name of our first born daughter. Four kids and three sons later we were able to use it!

Karis is the Greek word for grace. Grace is my wife Laura’s 92 year old grandmother’s name. As long as Laura has known her she has exemplified resilient faith in Jesus. That faith is what we pray and long for in Karis.

Karis’s middle name is Leona. Leona is my 90 year old grandmother. She has also been a woman of resilient faith in Jesus. Her generous and gracious spirit is what we pray Karis will have as well.

One day old

What in a Name?

The names of all four of our children are significant. We remind them of their meaning almost every evening. Our prayer is that they will live out the meaning of their names.

Elijah (“the Lord is my God”) Theodore (“gift of God”)

Ephram (“double blessing”) Daniel (“God is my judge”)

Emet (“truth”) Darrell (after HOF football player and godly man Darrell Green)

Elijah, Ephram, and Emet with Karis in the hospital

What’s in a name? For Karis Leona a lot! She is a gift of God’s grace!

QUESTION: do you know what your name means?

My name (Edward) means “rich guard!” I’m humbled to steward such a name!

Lindsey Bridges has put together a wonderful resource to help parents recover from the holidays! Anyone need something like that? We sure do!

On her blog Lindsey lays out a four-part summary, The Essence of Epiphany:

1. Epiphany reminds us wait and look ahead.

2. Christ came for all.

3. Bring your best for Christ. 

4. Christ is King. 

Those are important and essential reminders for me as I begin 2015. I assume that’s true for most of us.

To help parents bring this to life for children Lindsey put together a six part devotional for families, Experiencing Epiphany: 6 Days of an Intentional Epiphany with Your Kids.

Why Experiencing Epiphany is a great resource

1. It’s short! Who has time to read thick books, especially to kids! It’s 16 pages. Each day has a two pages of content. Easy to consume and follow for a busy family.
2. It’s solidly biblical! Each day includes a reading from one of the Gospels. The entire devotion is centered on the passage and it’s main idea.
3. It’s practical! Each day includes hands on activities. The activities put faith into action. They’re great for kids, but they’re also great for adults who need help applying the truths of the Bible.

Get Experiencing Epiphany TODAY!

Experiencing Epiphany: 6 Days of an Intentional Epiphany with Your Kids is worth the $2.99 deal on Amazon right now. HOWEVER, thanks to Lindsey readers of my blog can receive a FREE copy!

Leave a comment below about how a resource like this might be helpful for your family and I’ll select 5 readers to receive a FREE copy!

May God richly bless you and your family as you begin the New Year!

Backpacking in the Shenandoah National Park.

Manhood Adventure

This weekend I took my 1o year old son Elijah on our first backpacking trip. This was also part of his rite of passage into the double digits (he turned 10 in March)!

Every month I take my sons out for breakfast (starting at 1st grade). I call it our manhood breakfast. We talk about manhood (based on Raising a Modern Day Knight), review the previous month, set new goals, and laugh… a lot!

When my sons turn 10 we ramp it up to an overnight manhood adventure. If you’re not an outdoors type you can make it a cookout, water park, or whatever fits your context.

Rite of passage manhood adventures will continue to ramp up at ages 13, 16, graduation from high school, graduation from college, and then at marriage. It’s not all planned out but I hope to take all three boys to the Grand Canyon or some place similar at age 16.

Before our trip this weekend my wise and wonderful leadership coach and friend Brad Bridges gave me some advice that is helping me become a more awesome dad. I think it can help you too. But before I share that, let me set it up for you…

Awesome God

Rich Mullins got it right when he wrote the song Awesome God.

Our God is an awesome God
He reigns from heaven above
With wisdom, power, and love
Our God is an awesome God

Homage to Rich Mullins, but Kirk Franklin does THE BEST version. Take a minute to get your praise, worship, and groove on HERE. Then check out this Hip-hop dance group version HERE.

What does all that have to do with being an awesome dad?

Glad you asked. It has EVERYTHING to do with being an awesome dad! Being an awesome dad is only possible because we have an awesome God. Brad’s advice was basically this: treat your son the way God has treated you! #BOOM #tweetthat

How has God treated me?

• He is patient
• He always listens
• He is full of mercy
• He is full of grace
• He is always ready to forgive and does so completely
• He is a great listener, always ready to hear my prayer
• And SO much more!

How to be an Awesome dad

Here are a few tips I’m learning:

1. ASK ENDLESS QUESTIONS (thanks Brad). Parenting is all about our relationship with our kids. Ask HOW or WHAT questions and then LISTEN LISTEN LISTEN.

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Awesome dads ask their kids endless HOW or WHAT questions! @ed_choy #parenting #manhood
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On our trip I asked my son lots of questions. I asked about his favorite ice cream flavors, how he thinks the Redskins will do this season, how school went this year, what could be better in the coming year, how he feels about home school and the potential to go into public middle school, and on and on.

The more time I gave him to answer the more he began asking me questions. It’s fun getting to know each other!

2. INVEST MEANINGFUL TIME. Kids spell love TIME. They don’t feel loved just by our hard work, monetary provisions, or sacrifices. Those are important, but kids (like most wives), feel loved when we spend time with them. They are not our projects. We don’t always need to teach a lesson, correct, or train. Love them by spending meaningful time.

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Awesome dads invest meaningful time with their kids! @ed_choy #parenting #manhood
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Suggestions

• Take your kids out for a special meal. Or just desert.
• Do something they love.
• Play games (our family does game night every Thurs)
• Go for bike rides.
• Take them on a trip when possible.

My son’s eyes lit up when I told him, “Elijah, I loved being with you on this trip.” I hugged him tightly. He felt my love because I had invested meaningful time with him.

3. ADMIT YOUR FAULTS. Our kids know we aren’t perfect. Okay, they know just about all our faults!

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Awesome dads are quick to admit faults! @ed_choy #parenting #manhood
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You don’t have to be perfect to be an awesome dad. To be an awesome dad we have to be aware of our faults and quick to admit them. I have plenty of faults: impatient, proud, controlling, just to name a few.

It went something like this on our trip: “Son, daddy was wrong! Will you forgive me? I need Jesus and change as much as you or anyone. Will you pray for me, that my heart will change and for me to become more of a man/dad worth following?”

QUESTION: What makes someone an awesome dad in your eyes? 

Wedding Day May 26, 2001

Do we have a perfect marriage… NO! Do we have conflict… YES! Is it really getting better each year… YES!
–more–
Can you experience the same thing… MAYBE!

On our 13 year anniversary date May 26, 2014

Every marriage is as unique as the individuals that come together. You cannot possibly have the same experience my wife Laura and I have had. But you CAN stay happily married at least 13 years!

Three things make it possible to stay happily married:

1. Marry the right person

After a person’s relationship with God, the person they marry is THE MOST important decision in life.

The right spouse…

• lifts up
• unleashes potential
• encourages
• makes dreams possible
• helps
• compliments

The wrong spouse…

• tears down
• denies possibilities
• discourages
• prevents dreams from happening
• hurts
• manipulates

I’ve been asked countless times, “How do I know if she/he is the one?” In other words, are they the right person?

Here are a few tips for discerning if that person is the right one for you:

• You’ve listed what’s important in spouse they fit the most important issues
• You can’t imagine a future without them
• You’re better together than separate
• Mentors/friends/family affirm the relationship
• You agree about #2 below

2. Build on the right philosophy

Early in my friendship with Laura I asked her important questions. For example, “What do you think the role of a wife is in marriage?” “What kind of family do you want to have?” “What do you think about kids?” The answers to those questions helped me discern that we were on the same page.

Philosophy is the grid that guides decisions. It’s the way we see and interpret life. Having an aligned marriage philosophy is essential for a couple to stay happily married!

What does the right philosophy include?

• The purpose of marriage
• Conflict resolution
• Role of husband and wife
• Communication
• Good to include parenting issues too

Where do you get the “right” philosophy?

Examples: parents, mentors, those who have been married 10+ years, but especially those married 25+ years. Pick their brains and learn how they experience being happily married.

Books: Laura and I have been reading books on marriage and relationships since we first dated. Here are a few of the books we’ve read and recommend.

• I Kissed Dating Goodbye – a good place to start on the dating adventure. At the very least consider the purpose behind dating.
• Choosing God’s Best – My wife’s parents gave this to me when we started dating!
• Passion and Purity – a classic we still use with teens.
• Shadow Almighty – Laura and I read this while dating. It’s the amazing testimony of Jim and Elizabeth Elliot. An ageless classic story.
• The Exemplary Husband: A Biblical Perspective – the title says it all. A little dense (maybe even boring) but solid biblical study on the topic.
• The Excellent Wife: A Biblical Perspective – same as above. Read with discernment. We do not endorse this position completely.
• Rocking the Roles: Building a Win-Win Marriage – given to me while dating. Worth reading during that season, especially in a group discussion.
• *Love & Respect – this is a MUST READ book! The Eggerich’s ministry site is HERE. I wish we would have read this before our marriage. This is one of our standard wedding gifts. Our church has gone through the DVD conference/study and it’s not an overstatement to say it’s changed our marriage radically! Build your marriage on the philosophy laid out here and you will stay happily married!
• *Sacred Marriage: What If God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy – this is also a MUST READ book! I’ll be writing/reviewing more about this book soon.

3. Get wise counsel/advise

My wife and I are passionate about helping college students and young adults date and marry well. The experience we had with many mentors is likely why. We weren’t perfect. But with the input of many great people we had a blessed dating experience, engagement, and 13 years of marriage and counting.

Other than building and centering our lives around Jesus (THE key), three pieces of advice we heard during our engagement guide us. We took these to heart and have built our marriage around them. We write these in every wedding card we give.

1. Stay best friends. If you’re not marrying your best friend you’re in trouble!
2. Never get too old to hold hands. 13 years and going strong!
3. Have fun! We may never have a lot of money, material things, or a lot of hair! But we have FUN! Now that we have three boys 10, 7, and 5, it’s more important than ever! We have family fun that includes Family Night at Chick Fil A every Tues, family game night, and regular fun playing ball, riding bikes, and laughing and cracking each other up. Laughter and fun are definitely good medicine!

You CAN be happily married at least 13 years. Be intentional. Work at it. Invest in it.

QUESTION: If you’re happily married what has made it possible? If you’re to married, what questions do you have about getting married? If you’re unhappily married, how can I help?

In our home with three boys life goes by at lightening speed. School, church, sports, and friends in the neighborhood take enormous time and energy.

Who has time to shape character? Thankfully it’s not about adding something else. Character is primarily shaped in the context of relationships.

But character is usually not shaped by accident. The more intentional we are about the process the more likely character will be formed.

My wife and I have found the following 6 principles helpful in the shaping of character in our three boys:

#1: You’re Getting Them Ready to Leave From the Start!

From the first day with the nanny, babysitter, pre-school, or care taker you’re prepping your kids to LEAVE! What they need when they go is character.

We can’t buy built-in-character at Wal-Mart. Our goal is to prepare them for the situations that parents cannot anticipate. We simply won’t be there to help.

#2: The Challenge of Growing Independence

• School means growing independence from parents.
• Children will face new experiences that their parents will not be there to help them with.
• Children will be developing their own ideas about life.
• Your parental goal is to raise kids to leave your home.

#3: Defining the Character Issues

• There is behavior that is wrong but not necessarily defiant. i.e. Selfishness, which can be subtle.
• Loving others is the core character trait to instill in our kids. Pray for this daily.
• Make the most of every illustration of the following traits: honest, kind, helpful, considerate, loyal, hard-working, self-control, moral integrity. Celebrate when you see these in your kids or others.

#4: The Problem with Rules

• You cannot make enough rules to cover everything. Cannot anticipate every circumstance.
• Rules can help produce a self-righteous spirit in children. Can clean the outside but doesn’t change the heart.
• Children who can keep the rules on their own have no need of Jesus.

#5: Understanding Your Child

A few years ago my wife and I started taking an annual relational inventory of our children’s relationships. Each of our three boys are unique and SO different. They have different needs. And the character shaping for each one is unique.

We’ve developed questions to help us understand our children in the three critical relationships in his life. We try to do this during our summer vacation. This helps evaluate the last year, celebrate the wins, and prepare for the upcoming year.

1. Relationship to God.

• Focus on understanding what God means to your child.
• How do his actions and words indicate what he thinks about God and the Bible?
• Does he/she have a sense for their need for God?

2. Relationship to him/herself.

• Is he/she aware of his own strengths and weaknesses?
• Does he understand his own personality?
• Know that your child(ren) are uniquely shaped by God, no accidents!

3. His relationships with others.

• What kind of relationships does he/she have?
• What kind of kids are they attracted to be around?
• What are the strengths and weakness of these relationships?

#6: Benefits of this Type of Relational Analysis

• Character development needs conscious evaluation for growth to occur.
• Raising kids is a matter of character development.
• To do this well you must understand your children and the heart issues they struggle with.

Two books I HIGHLY recommend: Raising A Modern Day Knight (sons) and Raising A Modern Day Princess (daughters).

QUESTION: what has helped you develop character in your child(ren)?

The gospel centerpiece assumes two things. First, that you agree that parenting is a matter of the heart (see The Heart of the Matter is the Matter of the Heart). Second, that you agree that the goal of parenting is the glory of God (see Critiquing Your Goals).

Here are three practical steps to help you keep the gospel central in your parenting:

First Step – Discern Heart Issues

When things happen:

1. Don’t focus primarily on the conflict, e.g. “who had it first” or “who started it.”
2. Rather, focus on the heart issues that produced the debate in the first place.
3. As we see from Luke 6:43-45 and Proverbs 4:23, the heart is the central issue.

Examine the following examples in this light.

• Revenge – Romans 12:17-20 (1 Peter 2:23)
• Pride/Love of Self – Philippians 2:1-4
• Fear – 1 John 4:18 (Hebrews 13:5)
• Desires/Conflict – James 4:1-3

 APPLY: through the course of the day, ask your kids questions that reveal what’s in their heart. i.e. Were you trying to get revenge? Were you afraid? Did you just want what you wanted or were you thinking about others?

The answers help get to what’s in your child’s heart. Then you can emphasize the need they (and us too) have for Jesus to change them from the inside out.

Second Step – Use Scripture that Addresses the Heart Issues at Hand

Obviously this step assumes a growing knowledge of the Bible yourself. Therefore, you want to develop a stash of Bible verses that deal with the heart, parenting, etc.

Everyday Talk by John Younts (currently $1.99 on Kindle) is a great resource. It’s based on Deuteronomy 6:1-7 … It’s a practical guide for talking with our kids about the Lord throughout the everyday talk.

Can you believe that my kids struggle with selfishness! I began seeing this a few years ago and at first I would get mad! That really helps! NOT! I began praying for my heart and the hearts of my kids. Then I printed Phil 2:1-4 and gave it to my oldest son and put a copy on my desk. We reviewed it daily for a couple weeks, talked about it, and prayed together. Selfishness is not gone, but I have seen his and my heart change!

I’m currently reading a #Proverbaday with my oldest son. We highlight at least one verse that stands out to us each day. Then we share over breakfast and then at night. Through this we’re growing in wisdom.

Third Step – Pray with Your Children

Don’t force your kids to pray. Invite them to pray. Be creative. And teach them what prayer is and how to do it.

A few months ago I began going through the Lord’s Prayer with my sons. I outlined the prayer for them, explaining what each part meant. Then I asked my oldest son if he would pray at night twice a week. When I put him to bed on Tues and Thurs he prays. It’s still simple. But he’s learning and growing through it.

QUESTION: What would you add? What’s been helpful for you to keep the gospel center?

My goals have included having great looking, brilliantly smart, NFL playing, and wealthy kids so they can support their parents! Might just be me! These goals are WAY off the mark, at least for a family who trusts and follows Jesus.

For parents those who trust and follow Jesus, we need to consider what He says about the goals of life. I hope the following considerations are helpful in your parenting journey.

Let’s begin, not with parenting in mind, but with the core goal of life. Here’s the question: What is the chief end [i.e. goal] of man?

The first question of the Shorter Catechism of the Westminster Confession of Faith answer this – “Man’s chief end is to glorify God, and to enjoy Him for ever.” This sets the foundation of our parenting.

We All Have Goals

• We want our children to succeed. This desire is addressed in many ways in our culture.
• Helping parents succeed in becoming successful parents has become a growth industry in America.

Some Common Goals of our “Religious” Culture

1. Special skills: sports, music, scouting, academic achievement, etc.
2. Biblical knowledge/information: youth messages, studies, Sunday school.
3. Good behavior: good but not the primary goal.
4. Good education: is it possible to be well educated and still not understand life?
5. Control kids: I like this goal, don’t we all! But this will not last!

The One True Biblical Objective

The overarching biblical objective is to be consumed with glorifying God and enjoying him forever. Consider these verse in the Bible:

1Corinthians 10:31So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. (NIV)

Colossians 3:17And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. (NIV)

Important Point: we must teach our children to function in a culture that has abandoned the knowledge of God.

• Cultural influence has driven parents to take delight in delighting their children with material things.
• This is illustrated by the four year old driving an electric powered Corvette around his driveway.

How Can We Counteract These Influence?

1. It’s not easy. There is no quick solution. But it’s simple!

2. Only in God’s light can we see light. Psalm 36:9 says,
For with you is the fountain of life;
in your light we see light.

3. As a parent, we need to model thirsting for God. Psalm 63:1 says,
You, God, are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
I thirst for you,
my whole being longs for you,
in a dry and parched land
where there is no water.

The goal of these truths is to teach to your children to entrust themselves to God.

Questions to Consider

Pray and talk through these questions with your spouse and/or those helping with your parenting. This has helped my wife and I tremendously:

1. How do you define success in parenting?
2. How would your child(ren) answer, “What do your parents want most for you?”
3. What are the values taught and caught and practiced in your home?
4. Is knowing and loving God enough for you? Your kids?
5. Are you sending mixed messages?
6. What 1-2 steps can you take to bring glorifying God into the center of your parenting this year?

I’d love to hear your feedback and suggestions!

In the next four days I’m going to share a few parenting SNAPSHOTS. These SNAPSHOTS are parenting principles my wife and I have been learning the last 10 years. They have helped us and many families we’ve served over the years. May they help and encourage you in your parenting.

These principles are taken mostly from the great work of Ted Tripp. His book Shepherding a Child’s Heart is at the TOP of my recommending reading for parents.

Let’s look at snapshot #1, “The heart of the matter is the matter of the heart.”

Here are four things to consider in regard to your parenting philosophy:

1. Behavior comes from the HEART!

Proverbs 4:23 is a key passage to grasp and build upon:

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. (NIV)

It’s so easy just to focus on behavior. We want “good” kids, right?! We want them to be “on their best behavior.” But how they act flows from what’s in their heart. Just like their parents! Kids (and adults) fight because there is something we want and don’t have (James 4:1-3)!

What your children say and do comes from the heart. True of us too!

Great news! God is the heart-knower! He knows what the heart is really like. And it’s not always pretty, is it!

God knows “Folly is bound up in the heart of a child.” (Prov 22:15). Folly is unwise behavior that ignores or denies God.

2. Jesus Focuses on the Heart

Here are a few examples:

Matthew 6:21 “Where your treasure is that is where your heart is.”

Matthew 5:8 “Blessed are the pure in heart,for they will see God”

Mark 12:30 “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.”

Luke 6:45 “A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.”

Focusing just on the behavior of our kids is like hanging good apples on bad trees. A bad tree only produces bad apples.

3. Children Will Work with Whatever Parents Give Them

What you train them with is what they will become. Manipulation will lead to manipulation. Threats will lead to threats. Emotional appeal will lead to emotional appeal. The major problem is that none of these strategies point to Jesus!

4. The Gospel Must be the Center Point of Discussion Regarding Change. To Do this You Must Take Your Kids to Jesus!

Your goal is to help your kids understand their need for that new heart that can only come from Jesus. Sin in the real problem. Jesus is the real solution!

You can’t be a perfect parent, but you can be a praying parent (Mark Batterson says that in Praying Circles Around Your Children). Pray daily for your child’s heart to be soft and open to Jesus.

When you’re correcting or disciplining, bring the gospel to the center. Urge your kids to pray and ask Jesus to change them. And then pray that for and with them.

Don’t expect quick fixes or fast change. We’re tilling ground, sowing seeds, and watering soil. It’s the Holy Spirit who will bring about real heart change, usually over time.

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

~Proverbs 4:23

Stay tuned for tomorrow’ s post, Critiquing Your Goals: Parenting Snapshot #2.

QUESTION: What do you do that helps get to your child’s heart?

To act and not react in relationships is challenging, isn’t it! My wife is the greatest blessing in my life. But at times I have let pride and selfishness blind me from what’s most important… loving my wife. Love is about doing and not responding. Love is about the other person first and me second.

Rule #4… ACT, DON’T REACT!

Ephesians 4:31-32 says, Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. (NIV)

Here are the reactions. Through Jesus and the Holy Spirit these are to be “put off.” Followed by the actions, which are to be “put on.”

1. Reactions (v. 31) – attitudes & actions that need to be “put off”

• Bitterness: the refusal to treat someone as if they never hurt you.
• Wrath: flaring outbursts.
• Anger: hostility that frequently seeks revenge; the “slow burn.”
• Clamor: harsh contention and strife.
• Slander: speech that injures or abuses.
• Malice: desire to harm others or see them suffer.
• Note: The natural tendency of our sinful nature is to be defensive about dealing with our own sins (Eph. 4:31).
• Resource: Celebration of Discipline will introduce or help you deepen your roots in the practice of “putting off” and “putting on.”
• Question: what reaction do you struggle with most? Ask Jesus to change that from the inside out.

2. Actions (v. 32) – attitudes and actions that need to be “put on” to replace the reactions 

• Kind: benevolent, helpful, courteous.
• Tenderhearted: lit. “of good heartedness,” compassionate, sympathetic.
• Forgiving: to give up your right or claim to revenge, hold a grudge or get even.
• Note: Through God’s Spirit, we can and must be kind, tenderhearted, and forgiving as a team (in marriage or friendship).
• Resource: Spiritual Maturity lays out principles for spiritual growth, which embody the concept of “putting on.”
• Question: In what way does God want you to act toward your spouse and/or friend? Ask Jesus to mold your heart with that action.

For THE Cause,

Ed Choy