Communication is king in any relationship. Communication is king of kings in marriage. But playing by the rules is vital.
Let’s be honest about things. In our marriage I am the talkative, extrovert. Laura (my wife) usually knows how I feel. My wife is quiet, reserved, and gentle. Sounds good right, I talk, she listens! (except this would be breaking 1 of the 4 rules of communication!)
However, I realized years ago that our relationship was not deepening. Our intimacy didn’t seem or feel close. And our conversations often just dealt with surface issues. Honestly I didn’t know my wife’s love language. Find out how to learn your spouse’s love language here The Five Languages.
I’ve learned that good communication takes effort and intentionality. It only took me 13 years of marriage to figure that out! And all the effort and work is worth it!
What are the 4 Rules of Communication?
There are 4 rules of communication that are important for any relationship. These rules come right from the bible (Ephesians 4:25-32). These rules are especially important and essential for a thriving marriage.
Rule #1… BE HONEST
Ephesians 4:25 says, Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. (NIV)
Here are two things to consider, a few examples, and a question…
- Speaking truthfully is an active command. Honesty is more than not lying! It’s actively telling your spouse what’s true, sharing openly what’s bothering or troubling you.
- Problems cannot be solved unless you express them. You don’t want to attack your spouse (we’ll deal with that in rule #3). But you do want to address problems, frustrations, and conflict. Don’t let the small irritation become a wedge in your relationship.
- Examples. (1) Outright lying is out. Bad idea! (2) Conflict between our body language or tone and the content of what we say is out. (3) Disguising the message, passive-aggression, and/or innuendos is out.
QUESTION: What is one area you tend not communicate honestly with your spouse about (i.e. how they make you feel, your feelings in general, your dreams, use of time, hobbies, or parenting philosophy, just to name a few)? How can you be more intentional about being honest in that area this week?
I have long held that this one basic ability is at the foundation of every relationship. Providing others the information about ourselves that we WANT to give is not always what we NEED to give. Marriage of course highlights this so well because it tends to be our most amplified human relationship.
I’ve found in a lot of relationships that giving honest and loving confrontation, even about small stuff, can be a challenge. We don’t want to hurt people. We don’t want what we say to cause further strain. We don’t want to appear dominant or condescending. The truth is that our most loving response to anyone is correction.
Seeing a friend once every two weeks makes it a little easier to get something off of your chest. When you have to open your eyes in the morning and see that person or when you work next to treat person 40 hours a week, it feels a little touchy.
I was confronted this week with my own personal betrayal of this in a couple of ways and I realized that I had to step up. It’s never easy to do. I’m grateful that speaking honestly is its own reward in that it’s a small revival of my heart to God add I try to join my heart to others.
Thanks Ed.
Awesome insight Kevin, thank you! I remember some sweet times of speaking truth in love with you in Hungary dorm back in 1998! Thankful for you brother! Appreciate you taking the time to comment at length. I want this blog to be more of a conversation and dialog than a monologue. Hope to hear from you regularly.